Am I ever going to relax again? I feel like I've become a jumbled ball of nerves since Jacob was born. I worry about everything.
Is he eating enough?
Is he sleeping enough?
Is he teething or is he sick?
Is he getting enough tummy time?
Why does this kid hardly ever burp?!
Those are just a few of the little things. Then there are the big things.
What kind of a student will he be, and will he like learning?
What will this world be like when he gets older?
What will I do when he's too big to hold my hand?
What will I do the first time I see him holding a girl's hand?!
Will he be the kind of kid who can come to his mom and tell her anything? God, I hope so.
But the thing is, I'm not a stressed-out, sleep-deprived new mom. We've pretty much gotten ourselves into an everyday routine. I'm not scrambling to get things done. The house looks halfway decent, although the floors need to be swept and the dishwasher hasn't been emptied yet today. We're pretty current on laundry. My husband, and sometimes all three of us, go to the grocery store every week. We eat decently. We all make it out of the house and go to the mall or out to lunch or dinner. I've gone out to get a pedicure and to get my hair cut. We even spent an afternoon with Jacob at a winery to celebrate a friend's birthday.
The thing is, for every book I've read or every topic I've Googled, I feel like I still don't know a damn thing, and that scares the crap out of me. I have so many questions and so many worries. I've always been indecisive by nature, and now I feel like I am incapable of making the simplest of decisions. "Should I make 5 ounces of formula or 6?"
But what I've come to realize and accept is that I didn't just turn into a jumbled ball of nerves when Jacob was born. I turned into a mom. I could never have guessed what being a mom must feel like until I became one myself. I don't know if I will ever be able to adequately explain it.
One night, I was holding Jacob in our bed, and he fell asleep in my arms. My husband asked me if I wanted him to take him and put him down for the night. I wasn't ready. I was happy to just hold him, even though my arms were getting tired and I had slouched down awkwardly on the pillows and could no longer feel my tailbone. And then the tears started to fall, for no reason other than the sweet pleasure that is holding our beautiful baby in my arms. He's still only just a little baby, but he's already grown and changed so much. I feel like time is flying by already, and I'm desperately worried that if I blink, I'll miss something.
Being Jacob's mom is my #1 job, and I want to do my job well, so of course I'm going to worry. I guess it just comes with the territory.